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For a healthy relation it is important that we learn to communicate our feelings with our partners. Foreplay not only plays an essential role in sexual arousal prior to the act of sexual intercourse, but it also has a number of health benefits for both men and women, which are both physical and emotional in nature. It also works towards increasing intimacy between couples and often leads to a higher level of sexual satisfaction, again for both sexes.
Unless you’re a member of The Fast and Furious squad, you probably don’t go from zero to sixty the second you hop in the car. So why do you think you can go from holding hands to full-on thrusting when you’re in the bedroom? Nah, you need some foreplay tips to ease your way into the main event.
Though you might view foreplay as a seriously delicious appetizer (I’m talking, mozzarella sticks–level good, y’all), some foreplay ideas can be the whole d*mn meal. I mean it: You don’t have to make foreplay solely a prelude to intercourse, says Lori Buckley, PsyD, a licensed psychologist and AASECT certified sex therapist in Pasadena, California.
“Foreplay leads us to a deeper sense of who we are and what we prefer sexually.”
In fact, “there are many roads to intimacy, and foreplay is one,” says Janet Brito, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist at the Center for Sexual and Reproductive Health in Honolulu. “Foreplay leads us to a deeper sense of who we are and what we prefer sexually.”
The more you get in touch with each other’s sexual selves (both figuratively and literally), the more comfortable you’ll be sharing your desires, fantasies, all that good stuff.
Excited already? Yeah, thought so. But before you fire up that engine, here are the best foreplay tips and ideas to try ASAP.
1. Think outside the bedroom.
If your go-to foreplay routine involves a little kissing and touching—then goes right into wham, bam, thank you, ma’am—it’s time to mix it up. “Foreplay should definitely begin before you get into the bedroom to have sex,” says Buckley. She suggests getting low-key frisky with your S.O. when you’re out to dinner (footsie, haiiii), watching TV in the living room, and anywhere else you’re feeling the ~vibe~.
Both Brito and Ian Kerner, PhD, LMFT, a licensed psychotherapist, sexuality counselor specializing in sex therapy, and author of She Comes First, agree. He adds that simply “having fun and doing things that are exciting to each other” can be a form of foreplay.
How can something kinda meh lead to oh yeahhh? Well, it’s all thanks to (brace yourself for a scientific name) the excitation-transfer theory, which means that when you do a stimulating activity in one domain, the hyped-up feeling you get can then be transferred into another, explains Kerner.
So even if you get jazzed flirting over veggies at the farmer’s market together (hey, not judging), that’s a form of foreplay.
2. Fill your day with foreplay.
After all, who doesn’t want breakfast with a side of arousal? Foreplay can start in the morning and can go All. Day. Long. through sexy little suggestions here and there, says Buckley. Maybe you hop in the shower with them before work (save the shower sex for the main event) or text them a sexy little something during their lunch break (more on that in a sec).
Whatever you’re into, “you can have lots of moments of foreplay leading up to sex that happens later,” explains Kerner. In fact, just knowing you’re not going to get it on until later that night or even the next day can ramp up the anticipation and make foreplay feel even hotter.
3. Sext them sultry little somethings.
Buckley and Kerner both agree that sexting can be a hot AF form of foreplay, especially when it includes teasing the person on the other side of the screen. Let your partner know what you’re going to do to them when you see them, or hint at what you’d like them to do to you, suggests Buckley.
Try something like: “It was so great the last time we _____. I loved it when you touched me in this way, or when you sucked on that.” You can head down the sweet and sensual route or go straight-up pornographic. If it feels right in that moment, you can’t go wrong. “Anything that creates anticipation and arousal is great,” Kerner says.
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4. Send a sexy pic.
Sure, dirty talk is hot, but a picture leaves a lot less to the imagination. Assuming your partner is someone you know and trust (important detail!), why not send a little something to start setting the mood before they even get home?
5. Wear your fave lingerie.
This will come in handy if you plan on using the previous tip, but even if you have no intention of sending a sexy selfie, lingerie can put you in the mood and increase your own anticipation for what’s to come later.
6. Spell it o-u-t.
Full disclosure: This tip’s as basic as wearing Uggs and a North Face while sipping a PSL from Starbucks (don’t @ me, you know it’s true), but it’s still pretty darn important. When you’re flirting or sexting with your partner, let them know exactly what you find attractive about them, advises Kerner. Even if you think they already know because of the whole wanting-to-have-sex-with-them thing, it never hurts to remind them how much their abs, ass, or even ambition turns you on.
“Remember that the language of sex is a lot different than the language you commonly use in your relationship vocabulary,” Kerner says. “You can be going through your day and communicating back and forth in very respectful, egalitarian ways, but you may also jump into some language that’s very erotic or sexual.”
Basically, whenever the opportunity to seduce your partner presents itself, seize it. And when it doesn’t…create it.
7. Play up the sexiness of not being able to have sex (yet).
Crank your next date night up a notch—or ten—by teasing your partner when you’re cuddled up at a cozy restaurant or low-lit bar. “Teasing is really important because when we can’t have what it is that we want, that creates desire,” says Buckley.
She and Brito suggest whispering in your partner’s ear about what you’re looking forward to that night, nibbling on their neck, or discreetly touching them wherever they’ll take notice. When you know you can’t have sex, it becomes all the more arousing, Buckley explains.
8. Use psychological lube.
The last thing you want to think about when getting frisky is your errand list or a work project. Simply put, not being in the right headspace can be enough to kill your lady boner.
That’s why Kerner always suggests adding “psychological excitement” into your foreplay routine, rather than relying solely on physical touch and stimulation.
But WTF qualifies as psychological excitement? Turns out, tons of sexy stuff: listening to an erotic podcast, watching porn together (btw, there’s audible porn now, too), reading erotica aloud to each other, and even playing sex games.
Check out these six fiery hot sex games you need to try, like, yesterday:
Six Sex Games To Try
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9. And actual lube.
When it’s time to move into the bedroom, don’t forget that lube is basically your BFF. Use it to prime your body for ~everything.~
10. Get handsy, but not too handsy.
Let’s be real, many couples think foreplay is a fancy word for fingering and oral sex. If you’re one of them, no shade, buuut it might be time to add a little pit stop on your way to Pleasureville.
By that, I mean that you and your partner should spend more time away from your vagina. Kerner encourages couples to let the arousal simmer by keeping it strictly above the waist—kissing, touching, nibbling on necks, and dirty talking before heading straight for the goods.
That’s because “a lot of women complain that their partners move too quickly into direct clitoral stimulation, and sometimes that can tickle or even hurt if they’re not that aroused,” he says. Keeping things PG-13 for a bit allows you and your partner to check in with each other and make sure your “arousal arcs,” as Kerner calls them, are synchronized and calibrated to each other.
(Also: Who doesn’t love making out?!)
11. See how far you can go—without going “all the way.”
“Foreplay is all about the process of experiencing pleasure,” says Brito. “It’s the journey, and the journey is everything.”
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Feel free to take your time exploring each other’s erogenous zones, both Brito and Kerner advise. You can even make a game of it, says Kerner, by seeing how far you can go through outercourse (a.k.a. what you’ve likely called “everything but”).
12. Keep the foreplay coming.
“There’s something really erotic and exciting about extending the sexual experience.”
Newsflash, peeps: Not only can you start foreplay anytime and anywhere, but you technically never have to stop—even when it leads to intercourse. “There’s something really erotic and exciting about extending the sexual experience,” Buckley says.
To keep the party going, she suggests having sex for a little while, but stopping before either person orgasms. Then flip it and reverse it Missy Elliot–style back to foreplay.
Ever heard of edging? Just in case you haven’t, it’s when you bring yourself juuust to the edge of orgasm (get it?) before backing off. You do it as many times as you can stand—and then, when those, ahem, fireworks do go off, the climax is that much more intense.
13. Don’t sweat the small stuff.
“It’s important not to pressure each other to have a specific type of experience or to impose your definition of foreplay on someone else,” Brito says. Take things as they come, and remember that if something doesn’t work this time around, you can always try it again.
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14. If you wanna change it up, talk it out.
The more you and your partner add foreplay into your everyday life, the easier it’ll be to share your wildest sexual fantasies, says Brito. Just make sure to speak up before getting busy.
“If you’re curious about exploring a specific type of foreplay”—perhaps you’re thinking in kinky terms—”it’s best to talk with your partner and obtain consent before trying something new,” she says.
Okay, but how? Well, if you’re an open Kama Sutra, you likely won’t have a problem telling your partner what you want.
If you’re in a new relationship or just naturally shy, though, you could try broaching a fantasy by telling your partner you had a sexy dream or fantasy about them, suggests Kerner. (That’s also something you can sext, btw.) This way, you make your desires known, without putting yourself or your partner on the spot.
15. Give each other a massage.
If stress is standing between you and your sexy mood, consider giving each other a massage first. Not only is it a great way to explore each other’s bodies, but it also reduces stress hormones (because it’s a freakin’ massage!), helping you forget about your lingering to-dos.
16. Use a toy.
Use a vibrator on your nipples and around your vagina to build anticipation and increase blood flow to the area before ~the main event.~ Kerner recommends playing with one (or two, or three) to get those creative—and, of course, other—juices flowing.
17. Start in the shower.
Shower sex might not be for everyone (so slippery!), but shower foreplay is another story. Lather each other up with soap and water, then move into the bedroom when you’re ready to undo all that cleanliness.
18. Watch a sexy movie together.
This could mean something rated X, if that’s your thang, or R. This has a couple benefits: (1) setting a sexy mood (obvs) and (2) helping you de-stress after a busy day. Foreplay should help you turn off your stressors and turn on your—well, just straight-up turn you on.
19. Try some role-play.
Further along in your relationship? Kerner suggests sharing your fantasies, and then incorporating them, or some role-play, into your foreplay sesh. And no, you don’t need to be a professional actor. You could simply recreate something you’re more familiar with: the day you met, your wedding night…
20. Enjoy the ride.
At this point, you’re probably convinced that foreplay is the best thing since whipped cream to happen to your sex life, right? (Good, I did my job!) So make sure to take the time to enjoy it—from the second you wake up to your last satisfied sigh before sleep.
The more you can do that, the more you will have the tools you need to hone your foreplay skills and seduce your partner, says Buckley. Couples who master the art of foreplay, she adds, “will inevitably have sex more often.”
And while fooling around on the reg doesn’t automatically mean you’ll live happily ever after, “when foreplay is done with intention, it’s likely to enhance a romantic relationship tenfold,” says Brito.
All the more reason to start your engines…grab that phone, perhaps?
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